There are no set rules when it comes to supporting a friend who has cancer (or other illness) and now that I've been the actual 'cancer friend and cancer patient', here are a few tips on what to say and what to definitely not say!
Although each person with cancer is different, here are some general suggestions for showing support from my point of view:
- Ask permission - before visiting, before giving advice, before asking questions. And make it clear that saying no is perfectly okay.
- Make flexible plans that can be easily changed in case something comes up or your friend needs to cancel or reschedule.
- Don’t be afraid to make plans for the future - this gives your friend something positive to look forward to. Be careful not to come across as pushy or demanding though.
- Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed. (Humour is a must).
- Allow for sadness - do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
- Make time for a weekly check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
- Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer - people going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about the disease.
- I know just how you feel (impossible unless you've been through cancer).
- You need to talk.
- I know just what you should do.
- I feel helpless.
- I don't know how you manage.
- I’m sure you’ll be fine (money back guarantee needed).
- Don’t worry.
- How long do you have?
- I'm sorry this has happened to you.
- If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.
- What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
- I care about you.
- I’m thinking about you.
- I don’t know what to say. It is better to be honest than to simply stop calling or visiting out of fear. I found that certain people didn't even contact me and when they did, they said that they couldn't face me....really??
You may also want to prepare yourself for changes in your friend’s appearance. General tiredness, weight changes, and hair loss are common side effects of cancer and many treatments. Start your visit by saying “It’s good to see you” instead of commenting on any physical changes (not good when you're feeling bloated, sick, generally awful).
Debbie
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