Insane in the membrane. Our new cancer battle.

In black or white, it doesn't make for good reading

It's Dean here, husband of Amanda.

We have some updates.

Firstly, it's best to visit this link to bring you up to speed with events that have been happening this week: http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sm6t8p

We've received the results today. I say "we", Amanda was spoken to on her own without asking if she wanted anyone (including myself) present.

It's here in black and white on a letter in front of me.

"High grade tumour in brain in either primary or metastatic"

Many things swimming through our minds right now (that is, what space there is for things to swim around in Amanda's brain given the 38x31x35 "intraparenchymal hyperdense" mass that's currently burrowed in there. See the photo at the bottom of this blog to see the ******* Amanda is now dealing with).

The worst thing today? (apart from the haphazard delivery of the news) was when Amanda's dad arrived. They've been through a lot throughout both their lives - that's another story for another blog sometime - but to see a man of his stature painfully reduced to a quivering wreck as Amanda told him the news will stay with me...and haunt me...for the rest of my days.

So what next?

Amanda was actually in hospital for something like 80+ hours and ironically was discharged from hospital after receiving the news. There's not a lot that can be done until the multi-disciplinary team in the neurosurgical department meet up and discuss the next stage. The doctor who delivered the news today said that the tumour was treatable...is he shielding us from what's around the corner? Watch this space. Anyway, we're likely to find out midweek how soon we can get this removed and deal with what is thrown in our direction next.

I've resurrected my "Wife updates" on Facebook, which I thought I'd put to bed last year when Amanda finished her radiotherapy post breast cancer. You can how I've been dealing with it here:
12th May (post 1) : https://goo.gl/nPXihv
12th May (post 2) https://goo.gl/mOu9Bl
13th May: https://goo.gl/UngAVs
14th May: https://goo.gl/MZl0YQ
15th May (post 1) https://goo.gl/ZddgXy
15th May (post 2) https://goo.gl/I8dQkZ

I may scribe some more ramblings soon.


Thanks for reading.

The CT scan taken in the early hours of 12th May 2015

My dear friend Amanda, there are no words to be said after hearing this latest development in the saga of Amanda and Deb. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. 

Never before have I questioned why? 

Never before did I feel angry at being diagnosed with breast cancer. I never asked why because why not? This time I feel very angry, this time I'm asking a big fat why? Have you not been through enough the last few years? Why you? 

We  were brought together through breast cancer, we will not be torn apart by this latest little b*****d!! 

We both have friends and family that have supported us throughout our diagnosis and treatment and I'm sure you love and care for yours as much as I do mine but you and I are something different. We've been there for each other through the darkest days, we've been at the other end of the phone when we've had our fears about the future, we've been there for each other in a way that nobody else can possibly understand. We just 'get each other'. I know your fears and you know mine.

I've shed bucket loads of tears since your recent diagnosis and as Dean said, seeing your dad a broken man has torn at my already torn heartstrings. In Amanda's dad's words, 'he simply can not live without his daughter'. Amanda's dad reminds me so much of my dad, the love he has in his eyes when he looks at her, the sheer adoration he has of his remaining daughter is quite evident to see. I miss my own dad every single day but I've said that in a way I'm glad he wasn't here to see me go through breast cancer. 

Amanda, we are going to take the positives from what you've been told and I know you will face this latest pile of s**t with the same courage and determination that you did before.

It's so unfair that you have got to go through this again but you know that you will always have my support and help every step of the way  because after all, nodody else 'gets it'.

Debbie