It’s been a while since I composed a blog but I’ve been put
under tremendous pressure by Amanda (as in every time I see her), to do an updated blog to let people know how I am. I haven’t felt like I have
been able to do a blog, basically because I feel that people would like to be
updated about Amanda’s condition, but she keeps on insisting that I must blog
that I’m actually doing ok and it’s not all doom and gloom (Amanda’s words). By
the way, Amanda is still doing amazingly well and continuing to make the most
of her life by spending precious time with her family and friends and her days
are mostly spent enjoying walks, spa breaks and eating delicious food. She has
now even managed to start jogging again with her personal trainer which is a
massive achievement for her. And of cause, as a good friend would, I
have been accompanying her on the said walks, spa treats and eating delicious
food…no jogging for me!
I am slowly regaining my life. Two years forward and I’m
still dealing with the challenges that this period brings. My life generally has changed dramatically in
the last two years since being diagnosed with breast cancer. For a start, I’m now the proud nana of two beautiful
grandchildren and they give me hope for the future.
Imagine a roller-coaster. Some of you will find this an
exciting and thrilling image: others of you will find it terrifying and beyond
belief that anyone in their right mind would willingly subject themselves to
the torment of being transported at high speed and with great discomfort in
this manner. Some
people find this a helpful image to represent the process of the diagnosis and
treatment of cancer. On a roller-coaster, you are strapped in and sent off into
the terror, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it until you emerge,
wobbly and battered at the other end. You manage by getting your head down and
dealing with it as best you can at the time.
It is only afterwards, when you are back on solid ground
again, that you can look back with amazement and view what you have experienced
and marvel at your courage. The end of the ride is equivalent to the end of
treatment. And this is where we start - after the treatment has finished and at
the point where you can begin, bit-by-bit, to deal with all that you have been
through and all that is to come. You may have had to endure months of treatment
by knife, chemicals or radiation until you are probably sick of the whole business.
Now is the time to heal, both body and mind.
People have told me that as time goes on, the ‘cancer
experience’ will be pushed further to the back of my mind. Well so far, this doesn’t
appear to be happening with me, especially when people you’ve met on your ‘cancer
journey’ have since been diagnosed with secondary cancer. Sadly, I now know of
three other ladies who have secondary cancer besides my dear friend Amanda. It is also in the news especially the last couple of months. The
thought that cancer will return is always at the forefront of my mind. It’s a
matter of trying to carry on and not live in fear but always being aware that
life is so very precious and we should all make the most of every day.
I am over 18 months into taking Tamoxifen. I have gained
weight that will not budge at all though that could be to do with the amount of
delicious food I’m eating with Amanda!
I have been experiencing constant hot sweats since I started my first
chemotherapy session which is almost two years ago. Sometimes they dwindle for
a few days and other times (like now), they’re back with a vengeance and I
spend half of the night doing the bedroom hokey cokey…left leg in, left leg
out, whilst covered in a hot, sticky film of perspiration (not very glamorous
at all).
A fairly common experience when people become frightened by
unusual and unexpected changes in their body is that they wonder whether it’s a
sign of the cancer returning. I’ve realized that this is not an unusual or an
illogical thought to have - it makes sense. You notice every ache or pain. I am
currently experiencing very painful knees. If I’ve been sitting down for any
amount of time, I walk like I’m about 90 years old when I get back up. I have
researched ‘menopause’ symptoms as I have been told that I was thrown in to it
rather dramatically as soon as I started chemotherapy and that Tamoxifen just
adds to the many symptoms. I know that classic signs of menopause are in fact
aching/painful joints.
Before my diagnosis, I would have thought briefly about it,
perhaps decided to ignore it, perhaps found an explanation but dealt with it
without very much additional thought. This all changes after your diagnosis
because the possibility now exists that this might be a sign of something more
sinister which cannot be just brushed aside. This much is quite understandable
and no-one can tell you that your worry is silly or unrealistic.
The aim is get a
sense of balance that you can live with, without your fears dominating and
overwhelming you. You can do this in a number of ways. You can ask yourself if
you have had a pain/symptom like this before you were diagnosed. If so, try to
remember what it was caused by and what you did to manage it. You may also need
to remind yourself that many symptoms have more everyday causes than cancer - a
headache, for example, can be due to dehydration, lack of sleep, tension, that
extra glass of wine last night. It can be helpful to think of other causes
before including the possibility of the cancer's return. In going through a
process like this you may well find that you feel in a bit more control of your
fears - those fears may still be there but they may feel less overwhelming.
This process is simply taking your fears seriously by acknowledging their basis
in reality, but then dealing with them in a direct way.
One
of the many possible consequences of treatment for cancer is a changed body -
either temporary or permanent. Such changes can be very obvious - such as hair
loss during chemotherapy, the loss of a breast; less obvious to others - a
reconstructed breast (me). All such changes are likely to affect how you feel
about yourself and how you relate to your body and to the outside world. So to
be worried about wearing a wig or a headscarf or prosthesis makes sense - it’s
about how we see ourselves and about how we present ourselves to the outside
world. Your partner may express no concerns about your surgery scars, but if
you feel that it is disfiguring then that feeling will over-ride any
reassurance that others may offer. I still feel very self-conscious about my
reconstructed breast. It’s taking me quite a while to get used to this new me. Some
people may struggle with the issue of a part of their body not being ‘theirs’.
This is fairly obvious when it comes to wearing a wig, however life-like or
true to your own hairstyle it is. You are always aware of it, it may be
uncomfortable in hot weather, you may worry about it blowing off in a wind or
being awry so people notice it - you are never as relaxed with this addition to
your head as you will be with your own hair. For some women the new breast may
not feel as if it is part of them, even if it is a part of their own body that
has been used. It may feel just a little bit unnatural, especially at the
beginning. Again, two years on and I still don’t quite feel myself. Yes my hair
has grown and in quite a nice style, I’ve even gone as far as having coloured
foils and I guess I’m slowly coming to terms with my new image.
In general, I feel relatively well. I rarely mention the
days of breast cancer to anyone other than Amanda or to the ladies that I’ve
met at a Breast Cancer Support Group. For
anybody reading this blog who lives in the surrounding area, this support group
is the only one of its kind in Stoke on Trent. Please come along and chat to a
lovely group of women who are all connected through having breast cancer. We
are all very different in terms of grade, stage, surgery and treatment but we’re
the same in another way…we’re all survivors.
http://pinksisters.co.uk
My outlook on life is now very different. I don't have a 'bucket list', instead what I have got is my 'travel to as many new places as I can list'.. Last year, we went to six new places that we had never been before, even weekend city breaks count. So far this year, we have been to one new place, Gran Canaria, and next month we are travelling to Barcelona for my 47th birthday. I'm looking forward to each and every new trip on my life's journey and also aiming on beating last year's amount of trips.
Debbie
